Omegle Doctor's Whoopty 3rd Ward Gumbo

You will need

1/2 Cup of Bacon Grease or Cooking Oil •

1/2 Cup of Flour •

2-3 Green Bell Peppers •

Small bag of celery (The small ones they sell at the grocery store for like 2-3$) •

Fresh okra or a bag of frozen chopped okra (doesn't matter really it's shit either way) •

One package andoullie sausage (you can use Polish sausage or whatever but you really should be using andoullie for this) •

One or two marijuana cigarettes •

Beer OR chicken stock OR seafood stock depending on which version you're gonna make Actually just have a couple bottles of beer either way, but yeah need chicken or seafood stock on god •

One large white onion or two medium size white onions •

Jazz music and a fat bitch •

SEASONINGS. Slap Ya Mama Seasoning, Tony Cachere Seasoning, Old Bay, Lawry's, raid your grammammas seasoning rack, just grab all of it, grab those bay leaves too. •

A large pot •

A metal whisk, and a large metal spoon •

If you're making chicken and sausage gumbo, about 4-5 chicken thighs (take the bones out) or if you're making seafood gumbo, some shrimp (peeled or not doesn't matter, they should be too high or drunk to care) and some crab meat (shit is expensive - save this for when you're cooking for a thick 10) •

Definitely some hot sauce, I recommend Tabasco, Texas Pete, or any vinegary hot sauce •

If you're making chicken and sausage gumbo, you'll need a box of chicken or vegetable stock. If you're making seafood gumbo, you'll need a box of seafood stock. •

A bottle of beer. Preferrably a light colored decent like Heineken or something. For true cajun quality use cheap but tasty shit like MGD on God •

You really want to be making some white rice for this on the side, but it honestly isn't all that necessary, it's gonna be absolutely fire with or without •

First things first, take the celery, onion, and green peppers and chop them up into little pieces with a good sharp knife. It doesn't have to be pretty, just make sure it's chopped up nice and little. No need for it to look perfectly square or anything like that. Throw all that into a bowl after it's chopped up. THen take the sausage and slice that thin. The thinner the better. Toss that into the big huge bowl with all your chopped up vegetables. You can do this like an hour or two before you start cooking to save yourself stress and make it fun. Chop up your okra and throw it in too, or if it's a bag of frozen okra, just have it on deck, no need to thaw it or anything. Keep it handy. Set all that to the side. Keep everything clean and organized. You'll need to crack a beer and/or light a joint for the next part.

MAKE THE ROUX - This shit can be easy if you go slow. If you try to hurry it along or make a super-dark smoky roux like you're a NOLA chef you're probably gonna fuck it up your first time. You're arm's gonna get tired so maybe get some help with this. Beer and weed are essential for this part. Get a large stainless steel pot and put it on medium heat. Not high, not low, exactly medium. Let the pot heat up good before you toss anything in it. Take your 1/2 cup of bacon grease or cooking oil and toss it in there, let it heat up for a bit. Then toss in your flour after it heats up. YOU MAY NEED TO ADD A LITTLE MORE FLOUR OR GREASE, EYEBALL IT. YOu don't want it to get too thick and pasty but you don't want it to be too thin either. It should be the consistency of mud. Immediately take a metal whisk and start stirring it up. DONT STOP STIRRING. You gotta keep stirring the whole time or it'll fuck up. The mixture will start to change color and will start smelling different. First thing you'll smell is a nutty odor. After nonstop stirring for a few minutes you'll smell a buttery popcorn odor. Then nutty again, then buttery popcorn again, then smokey. Honestly when it starts smelling like buttery popcorn that's pretty much golden, but serious New Orleans gumbo enthusiasts will call you a bitch for not stirring until its the color of light chocolate with a mild smoky flavor. If you're stirring on medium heat it's gonna take you like 40 minutes of constant stirring to get to light chocolate color and smoky odor, but this is pretty much what everyone wants. Letting it cook any longer than that will burn it (you might accidentally burn in anyway if you stop stirring) so if you just want to stop when it's buttery popcorn odor you can, that makes fire gumbo too. But it wont be dark brown and smoky like that insane festival gumbo. Your arms gonna get tired from stirring, so have a friend handy to open beer for you or help you smoke some weed during the roux-making process. •

TOSS THE VEGGIES IN - DONT put your fingers or your hand down in that roux it's like 3000F. Take the bowl of your chopped up onions, green peppers, celery, sliced up sausage and dump it in your roux you've made, CUT THE HEAT DOWN TO LOW FOR RIGHT NOW. You want that roux to stop getting darker and keep cooking. Take a large metal spoon and stir that shit up. Get that roux off the bottom of the pan as quickly as possible and stir, stir, stir. Get all those little veggie and sausage pieces stirred up in that roux. If you've got the bag of frozen okra, now would be a great time to crack that shit open and dump that in too, don't worry that it's frozen that'll actually help cool that roux off. Stir stir stir.

NOW TIME TO DECIDE - If you bought the chicken, dump in your box of chicken or vegetable stock. If you bought the shrimp and crab, dump in your box of seafood stock. The whole box. Stir it up, then turn the heat back on to medium-low. POUR THE BEER IN. Just one beer. Between the stock and the bottle of beer, the consistency should be perfect. Start tossing in your seasonings. Cajun seasoning is a must, black pepper, don't bother with the salt, Cajun seasoning is full of it. I like to use half-and-half Slap Ya Mama and Lawry's seasoning, sometimes. SOmetimes I use Slap-Ya-Mama and Old Bay, especially if I'm cooking a huge pot in West Baltimore. You can season it however you like, really. It's up to you there is no set seasonings for gumbo. Make it your own. Change it up if you want to. ADD THE HOT SAUCE. Tabasco, Texas Pete (I personally like Caribbean Scotch Bonnet hot sauce) Toss about 3-4 Bay leaves in.

LET IT SIMMER - Now slap a the lid on the pot and let it simmer. If you're using chicken, roll it around in some flour and salt and pepper and fry it in some oil on medium heat in a seperate pan before tossing it in the pot, just until light brown, not too much. If you just wanna toss the chicken in the pot without doing this you can, i just do it for extra flavor. The pot is going to simmer for about an hour and a half, so toss the chicken in about 45 minutes before it's done cooking. If you cook it too long it gets stringy. Always use chicken thigh and leg meat, don't use chicken breast it's too dry and chewy.

IF YOU ARE USING SEAFOOD - Shrimp cooks really quick, so does the crab, so don't throw these in until about 10-15 minutes before you're going to take it off the heat. That's all they need, 10-15 minutes. 15 minutes just to be safe for me.

ALWAYS USE THE SAUSAGE - If someone tells you the andoullie sausage only goes in the "chicken and sausage" version, they're a lying sack of shit, definitely not from New Orleans and most likely sniff their own farts.

CUT THE HEAT OFF AND SERVE - If you're making white rice, use an ice cream scoop and dump a ball in the middle of the bowl and add the gumbo around it. Or just fill a bowl up with gumbo. If you're a real man you didn't peel the damn shrimp and eat them as-is.

GOES BEST WITH - Jazz music, friends and family, outdoor back porch parties, beer drinking, weed smoking i mean a lot of weed, like you should be choked out on some loud by the time this shit is ready for the bowl, fat girls, the summer heat, chilly winter nights, football games, eating on the couch, funeral feasts and Mardis Gras. This shit is the Official Food of Louis Armstrong and Ella Fitzgerald. Serious soul food. Make it once every month for dinner and after a year you'll have your own custom recipe everyone goes crazy about. This dish will get you laid guaranteed.